Posts

No More Moping

Day 26I made it. An internal chant of  "tomorrow you'll wake up and it will be day 26" kept me going but my god, what a night. again felt really weird and gross. Evening was nice. Started watching 'big little lies' and really enjoyed the 'me' time. Had all the candles lit. Kids were asleep and it felt great to have some headspace. 
Sanctuary bubble was soon popped though when I went to bed and boom: heart palpitations and horrible anxiety, manifesting as twitchy legs and sketchy mind. I then proceeded to wake up every hour or so gasping, convinced I was dying. I felt like was on a massive comedown. Not the healthy new me I was expecting. 
Still, I survived and took action. a) going to ease up on the aspartaine b) no more focusing on the bad and the 'struggle'. Yes, the struggle is real! but the struggle isn't all there is. So, determined to ram some jo back into my life I went, with the smalls, and joined the shiny posh sports club at 08:30 this…

Thank God for the internet

Day 25 (!!) Yesterday was my hardest day so far. but you know what, I made it and am writing this from the end of day 25. When I wake up in the morning I'll be 26 days sober. I will make it to six months and you know what, I strongly suspect I'll make it to 1,2,3,4+ years (will use yesterday as a reminder to never have another day 1 because I sure as shit don't want another day 25).

So, yesterday I was felt as thought I was itching in my own skin. So flat and miserable and alone- even though I was with my lovely children (who were being was less annoying that usual!).

I screamed at the kids. Really screamed. So hard in fact that I hurt my throat! I hadn't realised that I was so stressed. In fact, by the time the evening came I was positively anxious. Racing heart, sketchy head and a restless body. The only other time I've felt that way is with a huge hangover. Maybe anxiety is part of my core personality and something I'll just have to get a handle on.

After th…

I bloody did it!

Day 23
So last night I hosted a New Years Eve party and didn't drink a drop. I didn't even feel tempted. My hand does still reach for other people's glasses on tables at gatherings though. Feels like a reflex more than a yearning. Makes me wonder how many second hand drinks I've shoved down my neck over the past 20 years (voms in own mouth!).

Today was amazing. Not 'pink fluffy cloud' amazing (disappointingly), but genuinely so staggeringly different for what the day would usually have been, that I'm amazed. After a typically grumpy start (I really thought I was grouchy in the AM because I was a wino but I think it may just be who I am) I headed out with the kids (10 and 12) for a long walk. They were so happy. They seem more relaxed and free. Maybe it's in my head or maybe it's not and they are more at ease because I'm generally better tempered (mornings aside) and less 'rushing it to be over so I can get home and crack open the wine' a…

Bubbles of a different kind

Day 21

I'm just home from a really really lovely dinner with a very old friend. Usually at a posh restaurant I'd have a cocktail to start, a large glass of white wine with the starter, a bottle of red with the main and  an amaretto/brandy with dessert. This evening I had a mocktail and copious amounts of sparkling water and you know what, I feel great.

I'm slowly learning that the fun of an evening isn't the array of alcohol, it's the company (DERRRRR!). I haven't seen this person for a couple of years and it was really lovely to have an actual long slow conversation. I have a tendency to interrupt people. I try not to but I get a bit sort of over excited and jump in, with more volume and obscenities as the wine flows on. The people who like me forgive it, I think, because they know it's not driven by indifference for them or their stories. I'm sure there are plenty of people who dislike me because of it but that's a musing for another time.

My frie…

etc.

Day 20 My cleverness has gone. The day has been flat as hell.
Tomorrow marks three weeks of sober me. I'm reasonably sure I've made it to 21 days once before, but never like this. In the past I've done what, as it turns out, lots of people do. I've sort of held my breath waiting for the sober spell (typically a thousand days shorter than my aim) to pass. I've come to realise that that's not really stopping drinking at all, it's just waiting to drink again and what I really REALLY want is to stop wanting to drink all the fucking time. 
I don't know what spurred me to try and bin off the booze this time. I guess the tired, worn-out, shakes her head in dismay 'Me' finally shouted the loudest (I really hope she's not the only one left, after all the mayhem is gone, she's fucking depressing!!). There was no catastrophic event but there was an early morning wake up, dry mouth, rumbly guts and a terrible sense of regret as I pieced the evening …

Void

Day 19
Irritatingly I didn't find time to blog over Christmas which I'm sad about because I had about four epiphanies and have come out of the festive period (period, ha!) feeling very clever and pleased with my self-awareness (what a twat). The reality is, of course, that I'm only at the very beginning of understanding who the hell I am without the booze. 



Face in the Mud

I'm starting this blog because like, as it turns out, thousands of people around the globe, I'm desperately unhappy with my relationship with alcohol and am trying to do something about it.

Disclaimer: I swear a lot, and saying farewell to my best enemy 'Wine' is making me very swear-y. If that's an issue for you, you should probably stop reading. 

So, today is day 13 and I'm not loving it. I was looking for clarity and smugness and skipping but what I've got is a banging headache, grumpiness and irritability. It's not all bad and I know it will be worth it  but I'm finding it tough. That's why I'm here, to see if spilling my experiences and musings onto this page will help me find a pink cloud or two (God I've learned a lot of new lingo over the past 13 days).

So who am I? I'm a typical, high-functioning pisshead from England with a 1.5 bottle a day wine habit and a realisation that if I don't change that I'm going to float …