No More Moping

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Day 26 I made it. An internal chant of  "tomorrow you'll wake up and it will be day 26" kept me going but my god, what a night. again felt really weird and gross. Evening was nice. Started watching 'big little lies' and really enjoyed the 'me' time. Had all the candles lit. Kids were asleep and it felt great to have some headspace.  Sanctuary bubble was soon popped though when I went to bed and boom: h eart palpitations and horrible anxiety, manifesting as twitchy legs and sketchy mind. I then proceeded to wake up every hour or so gasping, convinced I was dying. I felt like was on a massive comedown. Not the healthy new me I was expecting.  Still, I survived and took action. a) going to ease up on the aspartaine b) no more focusing on the bad and the 'struggle'. Yes, the struggle is real! but the struggle isn't all there is. So, determined to ram some jo back into my life I went, with the smalls, and joined the shiny posh sports club...
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Bubbles of a different kind

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Day 21

I'm just home from a really really lovely dinner with a very old friend. Usually at a posh restaurant I'd have a cocktail to start, a large glass of white wine with the starter, a bottle of red with the main and  an amaretto/brandy with dessert. This evening I had a mocktail and copious amounts of sparkling water and you know what, I feel great.

I'm slowly learning that the fun of an evening isn't the array of alcohol, it's the company (DERRRRR!). I haven't seen this person for a couple of years and it was really lovely to have an actual long slow conversation. I have a tendency to interrupt people. I try not to but I get a bit sort of over excited and jump in, with more volume and obscenities as the wine flows on. The people who like me forgive it, I think, because they know it's not driven by indifference for them or their stories. I'm sure there are plenty of people who dislike me because of it but that's a musing for another time.

My friend and I sat and chatted for hours and hours and I'm grateful for the clarity I had throughout. She didn't drink either, said she wasn't that fussed either way. Can't wait to know what that's like!

Am having a NYE party tomorrow (overwhelm NOT avoided- idiot me)

Have invited all my secondary school friends and about a thousand kids!! will listen to many podcasts while doing the prep and play with the kids if things get hard. I'm not worried about caving. I know I won't drink tomorrow. I'm just not looking forward to feeling weird.

Send a precursor text basically saying 'can't wait to see you all, I'm not drinking atm, have bought a few bottles of Fizz but please bring whatever else you'd like to drink, see you tomorrow'  have had one shocked "WHY,  WHAT, sock horror" reply but non of the others have said a word. Figured it was better to mention it rather than have to explain over and over again.

Must prepare an explanation. I'm leaning towards:

BREEZY- "problem is I don't want one, I want 8!" (flick hair, laugh (hopefully not maniacally), mingle off)

or maybe:

'I'm just knackered all the time, thought I'd see how great life can be when I'm not hungover all the time' (but then peeps might say, yeah but just for tonight blah blah blah and then I'd have to explain that I'm shit scared of never having the courage to stop again and being broken forever).

Anyway, even if it's a total shit-show, all I have to do is not drink and then enjoy waking up hangover free on the first day of 2019. I'm going to say to myself when I wake up "this is what every morning is going to feel like from now on". just imagining that feels great.  

 

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No More Moping

-
Day 26 I made it. An internal chant of  "tomorrow you'll wake up and it will be day 26" kept me going but my god, what a night. again felt really weird and gross. Evening was nice. Started watching 'big little lies' and really enjoyed the 'me' time. Had all the candles lit. Kids were asleep and it felt great to have some headspace.  Sanctuary bubble was soon popped though when I went to bed and boom: h eart palpitations and horrible anxiety, manifesting as twitchy legs and sketchy mind. I then proceeded to wake up every hour or so gasping, convinced I was dying. I felt like was on a massive comedown. Not the healthy new me I was expecting.  Still, I survived and took action. a) going to ease up on the aspartaine b) no more focusing on the bad and the 'struggle'. Yes, the struggle is real! but the struggle isn't all there is. So, determined to ram some jo back into my life I went, with the smalls, and joined the shiny posh sports club...
Read more