No More Moping

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Day 26 I made it. An internal chant of  "tomorrow you'll wake up and it will be day 26" kept me going but my god, what a night. again felt really weird and gross. Evening was nice. Started watching 'big little lies' and really enjoyed the 'me' time. Had all the candles lit. Kids were asleep and it felt great to have some headspace.  Sanctuary bubble was soon popped though when I went to bed and boom: h eart palpitations and horrible anxiety, manifesting as twitchy legs and sketchy mind. I then proceeded to wake up every hour or so gasping, convinced I was dying. I felt like was on a massive comedown. Not the healthy new me I was expecting.  Still, I survived and took action. a) going to ease up on the aspartaine b) no more focusing on the bad and the 'struggle'. Yes, the struggle is real! but the struggle isn't all there is. So, determined to ram some jo back into my life I went, with the smalls, and joined the shiny posh sports club
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Thank God for the internet

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Day 25 (!!) 

Yesterday was my hardest day so far. but you know what, I made it and am writing this from the end of day 25. When I wake up in the morning I'll be 26 days sober. I will make it to six months and you know what, I strongly suspect I'll make it to 1,2,3,4+ years (will use yesterday as a reminder to never have another day 1 because I sure as shit don't want another day 25).

So, yesterday I was felt as thought I was itching in my own skin. So flat and miserable and alone- even though I was with my lovely children (who were being was less annoying that usual!).

I screamed at the kids. Really screamed. So hard in fact that I hurt my throat! I hadn't realised that I was so stressed. In fact, by the time the evening came I was positively anxious. Racing heart, sketchy head and a restless body. The only other time I've felt that way is with a huge hangover. Maybe anxiety is part of my core personality and something I'll just have to get a handle on.

After the shouting, the kids and I went for a walk with an old friend (and her little baby). Unlike the day before I struggled to find much joy or clarity. I just felt awkward and scratchy. I felt seriously bummed out. There was no way I was going to drink (fuck you Wolfie) but I was so bummed out thinking about a future with such anxiety and lack of joy.

Oh the drama.

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No More Moping

-
Day 26 I made it. An internal chant of  "tomorrow you'll wake up and it will be day 26" kept me going but my god, what a night. again felt really weird and gross. Evening was nice. Started watching 'big little lies' and really enjoyed the 'me' time. Had all the candles lit. Kids were asleep and it felt great to have some headspace.  Sanctuary bubble was soon popped though when I went to bed and boom: h eart palpitations and horrible anxiety, manifesting as twitchy legs and sketchy mind. I then proceeded to wake up every hour or so gasping, convinced I was dying. I felt like was on a massive comedown. Not the healthy new me I was expecting.  Still, I survived and took action. a) going to ease up on the aspartaine b) no more focusing on the bad and the 'struggle'. Yes, the struggle is real! but the struggle isn't all there is. So, determined to ram some jo back into my life I went, with the smalls, and joined the shiny posh sports club
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