No More Moping

-
Day 26 I made it. An internal chant of  "tomorrow you'll wake up and it will be day 26" kept me going but my god, what a night. again felt really weird and gross. Evening was nice. Started watching 'big little lies' and really enjoyed the 'me' time. Had all the candles lit. Kids were asleep and it felt great to have some headspace.  Sanctuary bubble was soon popped though when I went to bed and boom: h eart palpitations and horrible anxiety, manifesting as twitchy legs and sketchy mind. I then proceeded to wake up every hour or so gasping, convinced I was dying. I felt like was on a massive comedown. Not the healthy new me I was expecting.  Still, I survived and took action. a) going to ease up on the aspartaine b) no more focusing on the bad and the 'struggle'. Yes, the struggle is real! but the struggle isn't all there is. So, determined to ram some jo back into my life I went, with the smalls, and joined the shiny posh sports club
Post a Comment

I bloody did it!

-

Day 23 


So last night I hosted a New Years Eve party and didn't drink a drop. I didn't even feel tempted. My hand does still reach for other people's glasses on tables at gatherings though. Feels like a reflex more than a yearning. Makes me wonder how many second hand drinks I've shoved down my neck over the past 20 years (voms in own mouth!).

Today was amazing. Not 'pink fluffy cloud' amazing (disappointingly), but genuinely so staggeringly different for what the day would usually have been, that I'm amazed. After a typically grumpy start (I really thought I was grouchy in the AM because I was a wino but I think it may just be who I am) I headed out with the kids (10 and 12) for a long walk. They were so happy. They seem more relaxed and free. Maybe it's in my head or maybe it's not and they are more at ease because I'm generally better tempered (mornings aside) and less 'rushing it to be over so I can get home and crack open the wine' about things now.

I'll remember this day for the rest of my life. We walked and laughed and hugged and I felt so grateful to be present for all the little moments we shared. I even rolled down a hill on a golf course (weirdo- was fun though).

I've decided to commit to being AF for 6 months. 'Forever' still feels too scary but I hope that once I get to the 6 month mark I will want to continue on, indefinitely (forever- shhhhh).

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

No More Moping

-
Day 26 I made it. An internal chant of  "tomorrow you'll wake up and it will be day 26" kept me going but my god, what a night. again felt really weird and gross. Evening was nice. Started watching 'big little lies' and really enjoyed the 'me' time. Had all the candles lit. Kids were asleep and it felt great to have some headspace.  Sanctuary bubble was soon popped though when I went to bed and boom: h eart palpitations and horrible anxiety, manifesting as twitchy legs and sketchy mind. I then proceeded to wake up every hour or so gasping, convinced I was dying. I felt like was on a massive comedown. Not the healthy new me I was expecting.  Still, I survived and took action. a) going to ease up on the aspartaine b) no more focusing on the bad and the 'struggle'. Yes, the struggle is real! but the struggle isn't all there is. So, determined to ram some jo back into my life I went, with the smalls, and joined the shiny posh sports club
Read more

etc.

-
Day 20 My cleverness has gone. The day has been flat as hell. Tomorrow marks three weeks of sober me. I'm reasonably sure I've made it to 21 days once before, but never like this. In the past I've done what, as it turns out, lots of people do. I've sort of held my breath waiting for the sober spell (typically a thousand days shorter than my aim) to pass. I've come to realise that that's not really stopping drinking at all, it's just waiting to drink again and what I really REALLY want is to stop wanting to drink all the fucking time.  I don't know what spurred me to try and bin off the booze this time. I guess the tired, worn-out, shakes her head in dismay 'Me' finally shouted the loudest (I really hope she's not the only one left, after all the mayhem is gone, she's fucking depressing!!). There was no catastrophic event but there was an early morning wake up, dry mouth, rumbly guts and a terrible sense of regret as I pieced t
Read more

Thank God for the internet

-
Day 25 (!!)   Yesterday was my hardest day so far. but you know what, I made it and am writing this from the end of day 25. When I wake up in the morning I'll be 26 days sober. I will make it to six months and you know what, I strongly suspect I'll make it to 1,2,3,4+ years (will use yesterday as a reminder to never have another day 1 because I sure as shit don't want another day 25). So, yesterday I was felt as thought I was itching in my own skin. So flat and miserable and alone- even though I was with my lovely children (who were being was less annoying that usual!). I screamed at the kids. Really screamed. So hard in fact that I hurt my throat! I hadn't realised that I was so stressed. In fact, by the time the evening came I was positively anxious. Racing heart, sketchy head and a restless body. The only other time I've felt that way is with a huge hangover. Maybe anxiety is part of my core personality and something I'll just have to get a handle on.
Read more