No More Moping

-
Day 26 I made it. An internal chant of  "tomorrow you'll wake up and it will be day 26" kept me going but my god, what a night. again felt really weird and gross. Evening was nice. Started watching 'big little lies' and really enjoyed the 'me' time. Had all the candles lit. Kids were asleep and it felt great to have some headspace.  Sanctuary bubble was soon popped though when I went to bed and boom: h eart palpitations and horrible anxiety, manifesting as twitchy legs and sketchy mind. I then proceeded to wake up every hour or so gasping, convinced I was dying. I felt like was on a massive comedown. Not the healthy new me I was expecting.  Still, I survived and took action. a) going to ease up on the aspartaine b) no more focusing on the bad and the 'struggle'. Yes, the struggle is real! but the struggle isn't all there is. So, determined to ram some jo back into my life I went, with the smalls, and joined the shiny posh sports club
Post a Comment

Face in the Mud

-

I'm starting this blog because like, as it turns out, thousands of people around the globe, I'm desperately unhappy with my relationship with alcohol and am trying to do something about it.

Disclaimer: I swear a lot, and saying farewell to my best enemy 'Wine' is making me very swear-y. If that's an issue for you, you should probably stop reading. 

So, today is day 13 and I'm not loving it. I was looking for clarity and smugness and skipping but what I've got is a banging headache, grumpiness and irritability. It's not all bad and I know it will be worth it  but I'm finding it tough. That's why I'm here, to see if spilling my experiences and musings onto this page will help me find a pink cloud or two (God I've learned a lot of new lingo over the past 13 days).

So who am I? I'm a typical, high-functioning pisshead from England with a 1.5 bottle a day wine habit and a realisation that if I don't change that I'm going to float through my life as a spectator, trapped behind a frosted glass viewing screen. And that is just shit.

In search of less shit I've embarked on a 100 day challenge to bin off the booze. It was inspired by a brilliant book a read by Belle ("Tired of thinking about drinking"). It's a funny thing, how I came to read the book. Facebook told me to. Now, I never listen to Facebook- I never click the link to buy the thing I don't need or want, I can rarely be arsed to click the links for the things I do want. But there it was, quietly staring at me and it said everything I was sick of. THIKING about drinking, all the time (well, not ALL the time. Actually, yes, fuck it, on some level it was all the time wasn't it!?) So I click it, I read it and I'm still re-reading it now. This woman is brilliant- funny, insightful and someone who I can relate to. I'm doing all the things she (and the many others who's blogs I've been reading) has advised and it's kindda working: 'I didn't drink yesterday and I wont drink today' but I'm not as elated and smug as I wish I were.

I've got a banging head and a bad attitude. I'm sure wine would cheer me up. Kidding (clearly not kidding). But I'm not going to drink. This is me against the alcoholic me and I'm taking that bitch down- miserable or not!

I read something yesterday (on the shortest day of the year) about the longest day of the year being only 180 days away (annoyingly, this turns out to be not entirely accurate but nonetheless...). I like balance and synchronicity, I also like a goal so I’ve decided to focus on 180 (ish- annoying) days from now and what that will be like.

Have concluded that ‘shit feeling Me’(current me) is the version of me that’s lying face down, head stubbornly buried in a pile of thick wet sand- stifling my breath and clouding everything. Alcohol was like (intoxicatingly warm and marvellous) rocks on my back, keeping me that way. Rocks are gone (go me) but I’m still facing the wrong way. With each day I add to my journey I get a little freer, turning my body a little more. By 180 days I’ll be so well practiced at this that I’ll have rotated 180 degrees and will be lying face up bathing in the sunshine of the longest day of the year. I can't wait to feel that sun on my face.

Should probably figure out why I wanted to face downwards to begin with but that's scary and big so for now I'll just focus on not drinking today, everyday (for a while).

I’m going to put the 21st June into my calendar and book the day off work right now! A celebration to look forward to.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

etc.

-
Day 20 My cleverness has gone. The day has been flat as hell. Tomorrow marks three weeks of sober me. I'm reasonably sure I've made it to 21 days once before, but never like this. In the past I've done what, as it turns out, lots of people do. I've sort of held my breath waiting for the sober spell (typically a thousand days shorter than my aim) to pass. I've come to realise that that's not really stopping drinking at all, it's just waiting to drink again and what I really REALLY want is to stop wanting to drink all the fucking time.  I don't know what spurred me to try and bin off the booze this time. I guess the tired, worn-out, shakes her head in dismay 'Me' finally shouted the loudest (I really hope she's not the only one left, after all the mayhem is gone, she's fucking depressing!!). There was no catastrophic event but there was an early morning wake up, dry mouth, rumbly guts and a terrible sense of regret as I pieced t
Read more

Thank God for the internet

-
Day 25 (!!)   Yesterday was my hardest day so far. but you know what, I made it and am writing this from the end of day 25. When I wake up in the morning I'll be 26 days sober. I will make it to six months and you know what, I strongly suspect I'll make it to 1,2,3,4+ years (will use yesterday as a reminder to never have another day 1 because I sure as shit don't want another day 25). So, yesterday I was felt as thought I was itching in my own skin. So flat and miserable and alone- even though I was with my lovely children (who were being was less annoying that usual!). I screamed at the kids. Really screamed. So hard in fact that I hurt my throat! I hadn't realised that I was so stressed. In fact, by the time the evening came I was positively anxious. Racing heart, sketchy head and a restless body. The only other time I've felt that way is with a huge hangover. Maybe anxiety is part of my core personality and something I'll just have to get a handle on.
Read more

No More Moping

-
Day 26 I made it. An internal chant of  "tomorrow you'll wake up and it will be day 26" kept me going but my god, what a night. again felt really weird and gross. Evening was nice. Started watching 'big little lies' and really enjoyed the 'me' time. Had all the candles lit. Kids were asleep and it felt great to have some headspace.  Sanctuary bubble was soon popped though when I went to bed and boom: h eart palpitations and horrible anxiety, manifesting as twitchy legs and sketchy mind. I then proceeded to wake up every hour or so gasping, convinced I was dying. I felt like was on a massive comedown. Not the healthy new me I was expecting.  Still, I survived and took action. a) going to ease up on the aspartaine b) no more focusing on the bad and the 'struggle'. Yes, the struggle is real! but the struggle isn't all there is. So, determined to ram some jo back into my life I went, with the smalls, and joined the shiny posh sports club
Read more